The Universe Might Have Answered: How to Get Over it
How do I get over it? This is a question I have had for awhile now.
This person knowingly, or unknowingly has hurt me for years. And I allowed it.
This person knowingly, or unknowingly has told me everything would be okay for years. And I believed them.
This person knowingly or unknowingly has appeared to need me for years. And I always stepped up.
Until now. I got mono again earlier this year and have been exhausted ever since. But also more desparate than ever to make my dreams come true because for years I have been living a lie.
It was likely unconscious given the circumstances but I was lied to. Promises that were made were almost always dropped. And I waited. Like a sitting duck.
I have to be honest that the reason of where I am at today is because of me. Know one told me I had to wait. To believe. To think I was helping. I also made stupid decisions to cope- because it was hard.
So now as I try to move on. It has been difficult. I have scars. Anxiety. Distrust. Hurt. And no one seems to care, including this person. But as I have said before I know I have a choice. I am the master of my fate.
But then I want the score settled. I want the world’s BIGGEST apology.
But nothing changes. I always come back to realizing the only person I can control is me.
But then I want this period of my life to GO AWAY.
This is my brain my friends. A constant back and forth of what I really want and my ego wanting to keep tally. I have been trying to shift. Unsuccessfully.
Sometimes I have really good productive days. Then I have days like the one a little over a week ago where I cried almost the whole day. Feeling that hurt all over again. That disappointment that things would never change. Tears come to my eyes even now as I type it.
As I mentioned last week I do need to remember that even though I wish for someone a decade ago to warn me what I would be up against so I would make separate decisions- I don’t think I would have listed. And I don’t think I would have learned what I needed to.
So last week I wished to the universe that I would have a way to figure this out. I have been getting better at reminding myself instead of getting angry at what has been to spend my time on more productive thinking- such as my photography business goals or how to help my son. But I still struggle.
I feel like not only did the universe do its best to try and answer that this week, but it came with some additional packages.
1- I read Hal Elrod’s The Miracle Equation this week. Wow in so many ways. I am going to implement it and do the 30 day challange immediately. But I have not written that yet so I will have to update you on that next week. But my big take aware from there was 2 things. Number one was a strategy taught to him by a co-worker of the five minute rule. This rule is to be as pissed as you want for five minutes regarding something that is upsetting you. But after five minutes you move on. I feel like I have tried to do this but not really been mad. Not really let my feelings out or acknowledged how disappointed and upset I am by the last period of my life. He also mentioned that with practice at this rule you get better at it. Of course! Practice! How could I forget. And I think if I am honest I have gotten better at switching angry thoughts to productive ones, just not to the point where I don’t have days that it consumes me. The final gem of this was the words ‘can’t change it’. As I alluded to I cannot change other people and I certainly cannot the past period of my life. So I CAN’T CHANGE IT.
2- I found another book called ‘The ADHD Effect’. Unfortunately after my son was diagnosed with autism I kind of left my husband medical diagnosis up to him. All that I knew about ADHD I learned in nursing school. Hyperactivity, inability to concentrate, kids and so on. Nothing about adults and certainly nothing about being married to one. I had no idea how much of our marriage relationship has fallen into this classic ADHD pattern they talk about. Luckily because I am a life coach and have long been a student of personal development I have figured out a few ways of dealing and approaching things. But most of that without the understanding of THIS is ADHD. This affects our marriage. How much it affects him. I am not done with the book yet but I will be sure to update you guys on this next week. I am just excited to learn, per my favorite question, that maybe there is something I can do.
3- There is a grant application open. For women photographers. Maybe I will be a long shot, but we will see. I will be completely honest and say I thought about not even entering because who am I to think I am a good enough photographer that I might win? When I was reading The Miracle Equation he quoted someone that said ‘You miss all the shots you don’t take’. Ouch. That does it I am entering. And this is my project I have mentioned in the past couple of blog posts. The one that I called friends and had meetings scheduled. As of today I have one photoshoot done and two more scheduled. Grant or no grant I want to share stories of mom’s that have kids with autism. Whether I win the grant or not I will figure out how to travel the nation and capture their stories- because they need to be heard.
So a few little packages this week. It was very fulfilling. The next step is implementation.
On a personal note I was able to escape for a day to take my daughter up to Idaho to play with a cousin that is her age. They are SO cute together. My dad drove 4 hours to pick up some photography gear for me. He always jumps in like that- and I love it. My sister came with us to the dinosaur park. Sorry to say she probably drew the short stick as she got to run around with her daughter and mine while I sat and enjoyed the playground with my son. The unfortunate part was when it came home he didn’t want to leave. Not at all sure how this was going to go I flipped on his music as soon as we got to the car, told myself to breathe and that it would be fine. It was fine. My son was upset for a few minutes and then regulated his body the 50 minute drive home. It is not an easy feat fo turn that fast from being upset and then sit in a backseat with 2 girls for a long ride home. I was so proud of his efforts.
Not sure how this week will go. I look forward to implementing. a few new things and setting some short term goals that appear more achievable than one that is five years away. I will let you know how it goes!
I hope you have a good week! Gina