Week 2: Do you ever feel just mad?
I cried twice this week. Honestly I am not sure why other than I am tired and stressed. And that tired and stressed has been there for a long, long time.
The first mommy meltdown was on Tuesday. My son had had a meltdown almost every day the week leading up to my first meltdown. The not so funny thing is the one where I snapped- his meltdown was not even that big. Not compared to the others.
But what happens in a meltdown. Well for my son it can be a variety of things. Usually he bites his hand alot- or others. He throws things. Kicks, hits and screams. For some reason the week leading up to these I had been mysteriously calm through all of his meltdowns. I was able to gently calm him using my shaman drum and was kind of amazed at how well it was working.
Why didn’t I reach for my drum this day? What set me off? I still don’t know. Sometimes I feel a human can only take so much of being screamed at and abused.
Yes I said abused. I am aware of autism acceptance. But I will never be complacent with my sons aggression. As my friend says, aggression, seizures, not talking… these kids are sick. This is not just an effect of genetics or something that requires acceptance. This is something that must be very rough to live with. This is something that can tear a family at their core.
And I am not trying to justify my mommy meltdowns this week. I have to look back and give myself some credit that my patience is much expanded over the previous years. And my understanding of autism greater. So I guess I have to keep trying.
But in regards to last weeks post this is where mom guilt abounds. My child is hurting. I don’t know how to help him. I try food, water and a favorite item. No, no and no. I try a game. Not that either. I try to ask him if something hurts. The only thing I receive is a confusing answer- ‘ow’. And did he just repeat it because I said it or does something really hurt? Your guess is probably almost as good as mine.
Then the anger sets. I should have more time to work with him. This isn’t fair. Why doesn’t he see that I am trying to teach him to communicate so we can avoid these problems? This is someone else’s fault that we are in this situation.
The one thing I hate about crying is I just feel tired. Like the whole day after. And I don’t have time to be tired.
Saturday was more of the same. A small meltdown by him and I was off with my own meltdown. I talked to my mom and she said I need a break. I talked to my husband and he said what do you want. I said a week in Hawaii- alone. Unfortunately life of a special need parent means you often go at things alone. it is not that others don’t want to help I think they don’t know how. And frankly I don’t know what to tell them.
Which is a big reason for this. I feel like I have been waiting for help. And it doesn’t come. So I am writing this post with a continued determination to make this happen. One thing different this time was that I was quicker to forgive myself. To realize that this situation I am in is slightly insane. And the fact that I have done what I have since my son was born almost 10 years ago I am going to give myself a little credit.
As for my goals… well I am not there yet. :) And that is okay. I have kind of platueaed on the weight this week and I am working to be okay with that. One of my favorite life coaches commented recently on a podcast that she recommends you lose weight with love. So I am not going to be hard on myself because I know from experience that being hard only drives me to eat things I shouldn’t.
Instead I am going to celebrate. Two really rough days this past week (and one today) and I didn’t eat anything I really shouldn’t. I wanted to but I feel like after years of not identifying my reason for eating and just grabbing I am finally able to start identifying it in the moment and react the way I want.
Something I do need to work on is not to overeat. This is the downside of being a good cook because the jambalaya I made on Saturday was amazing. :) But if I am honest I do overeat still sometimes when I am bored or frustrated. And I while we do not have items that I shouldn’t eat in the house… I could do a little better about not eating so much of some that I shouldn’t.
One other thing that I also did well this week was to break down a large project I have in mind. I want to create a course on a topic but wanted to read this one book before I did it to compare my knowledge base. But I don’t have time to read a book. So the project has sat. But now I have a goal to read 7 pages per day in the book to be done in a month. Then I feel like I can finalize my outline and start putting together the course.
And on a good note my son is doing a few new things this month. His laugh has changed. Not sure if it that means that it is more deliberate or something else but I will take it. He is able to turn off all the ceiling fans when we leave the house. They get to be on otherwise all the time when we are home but it is nice to save a little bit of power when we leave. And he actually tried grapes this week!
Lots of rambling, sorry. Tough week but I am grateful for a new week and fresh starts.
Talk to you next week!