Week 9: Addictions and Unforgiving Confessions

First I want to start with a little bit of fun. I LOVE Taylor Swift. I have never really said this publicly because I have been made fun of by some for liking her. But I adore her. I think her rise to the top, thanks to her and her families hard work is incredibly admirable. I am so grateful that when I am having a bad day I can pop on my TSwift play list, sing at the top of my lungs and dance around the kitchen. I love hearing times on the news when she has helped out a fan in need.

Sure maybe some of her moves are strategic for her reputation, but if you really were a good person, isn’t that what you would want to get across to people?

Anyway. I have a life coach that says we shouldn’t apologize for what we like and what we want in life. I love Taylor Swift. I want to sing her song ‘The Man’ to the entirely male dominated department I work in.

I started crying when I heard the song ‘You’ll get better’. No we don’t have cancer or something like that but I wish like crazy my little boy could talk.

‘I forgot that you existed’. How many things do we keep, allowing ‘free rent’ in our minds? I have way to many if I say so myself.

‘You Need to Calm Down’. No laughing but I sing this to my daughter when we need to calm down and I love the self recognition of self worth throughout the song.

‘It’s Nice to Have a Friend’. Raising a child with autism can feel incredibly lonely and I just heard today that having a spouse with ADHD it is also common to feel lonely. Double whammy on that I guess.

And finally ‘Lover’. A year when my marriage has been at its rockiest. I still love who I married. So for now I stay put.

So my unforgiving confession? I love Taylor Swift. And I want to go to a Taylor Swift concert. I don’t care what you think- I just really want to go.

I usually do not get attached to pop stars and the like. But this time it’s personal. I love dancing around to music and it is SO MUCh FUN when my kids join in. And then I want to finally do something big for myself. Not to say because I deserve it. But to remind myself I am worth it. I am my own person. Without the kids, the stimming, the forgetfulness and everything else that goes on in my house. I still exist and the first person that needs to remember that is me.

So the other topic… addictions. I think I mentioned a few blog posts ago about being addicted to chocolate or sugar or something. it is probably true.

I look at addictions probably a bit different than most. In my mind an addiction is an excessive behavior around something. Something you cannot go without for more than 24 hours.

Once someone asked me if I thought their brother was an alcoholic. I asked if he thought that person could go longer than 24 hours without alcohol.

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I look at my son and his behaviors around food. Generally speaking ones that he exhibits addictive behavior around are not good for him and I see less aggression from him if I help him avoid those foods.

So goes the same for me. And lets include gluten in that statement. I went out with some friends to a bakery this week. Oh man I am a sucker for a good bakery. And let me tell you the bread was incredible. But it was gluten. That incident coupled with a few other this week and suddenly I am tired all over again and my throat itches. Not a day has gone by this week without wanting some tp of chocolate, sugar, gluten treat.

So in the end it was more than a few incidences of gluten. It was entire box I cannot get enough cookies or whatever. I hate admitting that to you guys because my struggle here is that I have wanted to appear like I have it all together. Even though we all know that no one really does.

So anyway, what to do about it. I was writing about it earlier. Do I just not want to lose weight right now? Why do I choose not to commit? I would say cannot but I feel that perpetuates me feeling like a victim here and I know that is not a worthy cause. The conclusion I came to is to stick with avoiding gluten- in everything for now. Typically I can manage that. But mostly observe. There are certain cycles in this house- and no I am not talking female cycles. I am wondering if my excessive eating correlates with this cycle. So I need to observe, and then I can make a more accurate decision about what to do.

Then in the back of my mind I feel I need to give myself a deadline. So glad you guys are here. I hope to report on this every week for a month and then hopefully make a decision that will help me move forward.

As far as time towards my goals from week 0. I am taking the entire week off to work on a few projects. I have worked on listing them and prioritizing them. Not necessarily according to what I want to do first, but what aligns best with my goals. I hope to have a good report next week.

Until then…. Gina