Week 5: Doing the Best I Can
I have a confession. I didn’t write last week.
I didn’t want to. I didn’t want to tell you that I ate too much chocolate. I didn’t want to tell you that I cried because of somebody else. Again.
And that crying was in front of a few neighbors. I went to pick up my daughter at a birthday party and I was in a hurry because my son was in the car and I had to get back home to work. They noticed if I was tense and one of my friends was there and asked if I was okay. I pretty much burst into tears. It had been a rough week with work and personally.
I have believed for a long time that someone close to me is going to change. It has been years that I made the decision to wait for this person to change. To step into their full potential so I can step into mine. My choice to wait has led to alot of choices that I would like to say I wish I had not made. It has also likely led to many missed opportunities.
On this particular Friday, after a few conversations, it was evident that day that it was not happening yet.
I have tried to pin point my disappointment. Is it on this person? Is it on me because I believed them so long? Am I more mad at myself because how could I have been so stupid to believe them all these years?
I had a realization yesterday as I posted a wish that if only someone had told me 10 years ago this is what is going to happen. My illogical thought behind that is that I would have made different decisions. I would have acted differently and not waited for this person.
But would I really? Take for instance someone that has found someone they are really in love with. They love everything about this person. How they act. They are funny and charismatic. They seem to have it all together. But there are a few individuals in this person’s life with years of experience that see a few warning sings. Perhaps some immaturity that may be difficult to deal with. And they decide to relay that to this person in love with the individual they are concerned about.
I have heard this story before and I have never once heard someone step back and say you are absolutely right about that person and I am not going to marry them.
Some call it blinded by love. Maybe. Or maybe it is just lack of knowledge.
We cannot see into the future nor can we control it or others. I had no way of knowing that me waiting to fulfill my life would not give this other person what they needed to figure out theirs. I now have a few choices. One choice that I am trying to make every day.
Do I stay angry at the past and/or this person? Or do I try to move past it?
Well in the past I have kind of developed this idea that every day I get 100 points of energy. No more and no less. And it is up to me to decide how I want to spend them. I can spend them on hating my history. Or I can appreciate my realization that I have realized what I really want and I am the person that is going to figure out how to get me there.
As much as I loved the Cinderella story there is no prince coming to save me. And this isn’t a story about feminism. Isn’t there a quote about the effects of a child on the unrecognized life of a parent? I have really loved the idea of trying to be open to the idea that I can do anything I want. Notice I said I and not them. While there may be barriers in my way that makes things difficult the only thing stopping me from going after my dreams is me. And that has nothing to do with Cinderella.
It is easy to play the victim story and some days I still fall into it. I wish I knew the secret to stop it. I don’t want to dwell on the past any more. I am trying ever time I start thinking about it to switch it to productive thinking. .For instance: what is a creative way I can get more done? What is my next creative photo idea? If this event is still raw and coming up what do I still have that I can learn from it?
I cannot even tell you how much I wish I could snap my fingers and erase the effects of my past. But you know as well as I do that is pretty much impossible. I was listening to a podcast the other day that said we need not only want the end goal, but the journey. I read a book a long time ago that said the obstacle is the way. I listened to another podcast the other day that said we need to do the one thing every day that we are afraid of.
The point of the first podcast I referenced is not only do I want the goals I set in the first blog. But I need to look forward to the process. To failing a Facebook ads (check). To having almost zero response to a campaign (check). And I did learn things from both of those incidents. Things that will take me to the next level my second time around and higher than that the next time around. I have really enjoyed the discovery of gems in the difficulties of life. I am thinking those gems will be a good path forward.
So anyway. It has been a rough couple of weeks. It is hard not to feel like I am not making progress here. Again wanting to jump to the goal success and not the journey. On the bright side I decided to stay up the extra hours and make one of my photo ideas come to life. I have entered it into the awards and accreditation for a group called The Portrait Masters. At first I thought it was not perfect enough… but taking my own advice I thought I will never know until I try.
What are you holding back on? What are you not trying? I would love to hear. Sometime the first step is recognition.
I hope you have a wonderful week. Warmly, Gina